I'm feeling antsy, like it's time to go. Time to change everything again, just up and go. However, unlike the rest of the times I've gotten this feeling an opportunity hasn't presented itself as of yet. I'm afraid I've missed it, or perhaps I've just wasted too many chances. Not sure.
I'm being hit by a new obssession as well, I must be PMSing. I know it's sexist to say that, even against one's self, but I get it really bad as far as mood swings and I know better than to trust any wild ideas right out of the bag.
I'm considering trying to do something in green energy, perhaps evening moving towards a job in that kind of field. I feel stuck here though because I am going to college here. I don't want to lose the in state tution here by moving. I'd never be able to afford going to school anywhere.
And besides, I though I wanted to be a teacher, this is a new idea totally. Actually I should go on the site and look at the courses, maybe they have something in a green field type of thing... That isn't nearly as secure as teaching. Crap, I like safe and secure, but I also really like to stretch my curiousity. Anywho, I'm looking into things where I can move somewhere and work on a wind farm or something. Is that strange, well of course it is, but any stranger than anything else I've done or thought of?
When I was 17 I needed to get out of my life. I was a high school drop out and I needed a new chance. Within a week of hearing of job corps I moved to Vermont for the year and lived in a dorm. I lost everything I left at home when less than a week after I left, my mother lost the apartment and was evicted.
When I was 20 I moved again, this time to a new state. I did ok, well actually not really ok, but average for the area. Eventually however I got the itch and I left my boyfriend of two years (we never even fought before I decided to leave, at least not about much.) and the beautiful apartment and moved again. Now here I am, stuck. I got a record now, something I didn't think I would ever do. It was really dumb.
But now I'm having trouble finding any kind of job, and a lot of it is my confidence. With a record and knowing they can ask me about that, I just can't seem to be the person who "knows they're the best for this job and you'd be a fool not to hire me!" which is how I usually get jobs.
I mean, honestly, I have ever reason to believe that. As long as we're talking jobs here, not careers. I can step into any resturant or convience store and quickly learn the job. I learn new tasks well and quickly, normally finding ways to shorten the time it takes without lessening effectiveness. I'm a great person to handle customers, I smile a lot and have a good phone voice. I'm cheerful and fairly intelegent. There is no reason in the world that you wouldn't want to hire me, except of cource that I messed up.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. I'm feeling very strange. Very restless, I feel the need to do something, anything. I have no idea what. I've started writing again, thankfully. Maybe I can get something published or something along those lines. I need to find direction, I need a way to point my energies. I'm just not sure what I'm doing. There's an oppurtunity knocking, I can hear it, I just can't find the damn door! I'm afraid I'm missing it, that I'm not going to make it there in time. I have no idea what the hell I mean though, so don't ask me to explain it. The best I can say is that opportunity isn't just luck. You need to be in the right place to find the door, you need the right keys *skills, knowledge, or experience* to unlock the door, and you need the courage and perhaps foolishness to walk blind through the door. It's not an easy business, though normally people only notice it when they get "lucky" enough to open that door. It's not luck, it's just preperation.
So where is the door? Am I PMSing or should I really be looking more into this green stuff? I find myself just worried about the world, about everything to do with it. Perhaps it's my own fear of death (for it tends to visit my family young) that makes me afraid. Come on though, everything is being torn down, corrupted, or genetically altered at this point. The world is going to, at the very least, go through some serious problems and change as a result. Huge amounts of animals (high percentage of mamals like ourselves and ocean life important to surviaval) are going extint. We're causing a horrid effect, and it's like smoking cigs. The world isn't going to stop and pay attention until they have cancer and are dying. Too late to save themselves they'll finally try anyway.
I want to be alive. If acid rain plunders the land and clouds black out the sun and all the life in the first mile of the ocean dies and we're left with mainly reptiles with only a few groups of humans spread out around the world, I want to live. I want to be someone important enough, with enough statis, and skills to live.
If Greg finds this he's laughing at me
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No. Not really. :)
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